The house is very tidy. On the table was set a platter of Martabak, Chicken Sate with peanut sauce, and a bowl of hot Chicken Macaroni Soup. Everything was set for the dinner, the chance to introduce "doc" to my mom. My chance too to have "the talk" with him. The night when it will all start to be clearer when it comes to status. My ever supportive-gaga-lovable-root of this meeting-sister, rowan was, of course, ever present. Doc came in a few minutes later than the set time. It was fine as we entertained ourselves with a single round of Magic sing Karaoke session. Dinner was lovely, funny, entertaining, informative and all that. It went well, except for something. Since he was an on-call doctor, time was never definite. He had to go back to the hospital. Even when it was pouring hard outside, he still went, protected by my Nike jacket, which by the way he casually asked for and of course, willingly I gave in. He knew I needed to talk to him but call of duty comes first before everything. His exit left me thinking about a lot of things.

Was he really going back to the hospital? Was it really the hospital that was on the other line in his handphone before he left? Did he intentionally do this so we won't have "the talk"?  Whatever it was, it lead me to think further...

After I walked Rowie to Jl. Ring road, I strolled around my block. More thoughts in mind. With his busy schedule, which he can barely juggle, can he really afford to have a relationship? Will I just be existing when he's not in the hospital or whenever it's convenient for him? Isn't being neighbours convenient enough for him, aside from the fact that simple technologies such as SMS or handphones (which seems non-existent or useless for him) are readily available? Until when will I be able to be sabar? Sampai kapan aku harus bertahan dengan sitwasi dia? Haruskah aku yang selalu mengerti tentang jadwal dia? I just wanted to ask him if he really is ready to start something with me beyond friendship, as what he wanted. If he does, I will ask him to let me feel that I really am a part of his everyday, and not just an after-work thing. I need consistency aside from spontaneity. I need action aside from sweet-words.

On the way back home, I smsed him that I was already home after walking Rowie and making a round in our block, going straight to bed and sleep with a heavy heart. He replied that he has just finished his work and will be on his way back home....

it got me to my last thought. Am I prepared for this set-up? Much more, am I prepared to have a relationship now?

 


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