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Lately, I've been waking up without my morning mood, instead a smile paints my face and it is the effect of the happiness inside me. I've been talking to someone who gives me this happy vitamin, which keeps me going everyday. 

The first few days we were chatting, i was enjoying myself. i wasnt thinking of other things...just pure simple, clean fun. then i started looking forward to chatting with him... the mere sound of my handphone beeping for a message excites me....more, when i see the message was from him. i know it's too HS-feeling but somehow, it  feels good. i said to myself, get a grip. i dont flirt with him like i used to, but i find myself easily opening up to him. for some weird reasons, i became more honest to someone, more honest than with my ex actually, to think we're not an item. i sometimes slap my face to wake up to reality that we're miles away and it's never gonna happen. but still, i have a smile on my face...darn!

days passed and everyday keeps gettin better, happier, we get to know each other a little at a time... very nice feeling. for the first time, someone asked for my photo. well i gave him more than your fingers in hand... each of which has a story behind, and i tell him about it one by one. Every time we have to cut our conversation, there's a certain pang inside me, wanting more...wanting to ask where he was going, what time he will be online again, but i tell myself to stop. I dont want to get used to this feeling - it will hurt me in the future if things wont work out, despite of our promise... i need to be more prepared, more protective of myself and more vigilant of things that will happen. somehow i cant let my guards down for the fear of getting myself back on the road where i was before him.

im not closing my door, nor am i scratching the idea i have in mind. i just dont want to rush into things this time. I cant afford it anymore.


but the thing is, i keep on questioning myself of what i am truly feeling...
im not on the rebound, that im certain...
but why am i feeling this way?

is this it?

i want to know....
 
 
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been into relationships.. not much coz it lasts years... ive always tried to fight for these relationships to work out... i tried up to the last thread....ive always believed that you should try to do everything you can before giving up... fighter, i am, if that's how you call it.... now im meeting guys...eligible bachelors, others - complicated... but none of them comes close to what i am looking for....

im tired of the cheap thrills of flirting.....im done with it...

i want something consistent...

someone stable and would let me feel secured...

someone who'd actually stay and not regret having done so....

someone who'd fight for me as well...and not only for relationship's sake....

i want commitment....

 
 

Waking up alone
in a room that still reminds me
My heart has got to learn to forget
Starting on my own
With every breath I'm getting stronger
This is not the time for regret
'Cause I don't need to hang on
to heartbreak
When there's so much of life left to live

Love is on the way
On wings of angels
I know it's true, I feel it coming through
Love is on the way
Time is turning the pages
I don't know when
But love will find me again

I am not afraid
Of the mystery of tomorrow
I have found the faith deep within
There's a promise I have made
There's a dream I'm gonna follw
There's another chance to begin
And it's coming as sure as the heavens
I can feel it right here in my heart

I don't know when
But love will find me again....

 
 

I see the couple are walkin` by
Feel like I
Don`t wanna be alone today
So glad no one can see what I hide
Deep inside
How it feels to be
The girl who never gets the right guy
Tell me why
When there`s so much I`ve got to give
I wake up reaching out in the night
Ready to hold him tight
`Til I realize
That nobody is there

When will it be me?
When will I be the one
Somebody`s dreaming of?
When`s it gonna be?
When will I find my heart
Lyin` inside the arms
That never let me go?

I`d really like to know
When will it be me?


My friends seem to have all the love
Knocks on their door and walks right in
I know that I am worthy of what I`ve been wishing for
I can`t wait no more
Love`s nowhere to be found

(CHORUS.)

(HOOK.)
Feeling his tender touch
(Lying in his arms.)
Talkin` bout forever together
Givin` him all of my love
That`s been trying to break free

Don`t wanna be alone
No more
I`m telling you what I need
I want someone who loves me for me
And when will it be?
Wonder when will it be?

(CHORUS.)

I ask myself
When will it be me?


 
 

The house is very tidy. On the table was set a platter of Martabak, Chicken Sate with peanut sauce, and a bowl of hot Chicken Macaroni Soup. Everything was set for the dinner, the chance to introduce "doc" to my mom. My chance too to have "the talk" with him. The night when it will all start to be clearer when it comes to status. My ever supportive-gaga-lovable-root of this meeting-sister, rowan was, of course, ever present. Doc came in a few minutes later than the set time. It was fine as we entertained ourselves with a single round of Magic sing Karaoke session. Dinner was lovely, funny, entertaining, informative and all that. It went well, except for something. Since he was an on-call doctor, time was never definite. He had to go back to the hospital. Even when it was pouring hard outside, he still went, protected by my Nike jacket, which by the way he casually asked for and of course, willingly I gave in. He knew I needed to talk to him but call of duty comes first before everything. His exit left me thinking about a lot of things.

Was he really going back to the hospital? Was it really the hospital that was on the other line in his handphone before he left? Did he intentionally do this so we won't have "the talk"?  Whatever it was, it lead me to think further...

After I walked Rowie to Jl. Ring road, I strolled around my block. More thoughts in mind. With his busy schedule, which he can barely juggle, can he really afford to have a relationship? Will I just be existing when he's not in the hospital or whenever it's convenient for him? Isn't being neighbours convenient enough for him, aside from the fact that simple technologies such as SMS or handphones (which seems non-existent or useless for him) are readily available? Until when will I be able to be sabar? Sampai kapan aku harus bertahan dengan sitwasi dia? Haruskah aku yang selalu mengerti tentang jadwal dia? I just wanted to ask him if he really is ready to start something with me beyond friendship, as what he wanted. If he does, I will ask him to let me feel that I really am a part of his everyday, and not just an after-work thing. I need consistency aside from spontaneity. I need action aside from sweet-words.

On the way back home, I smsed him that I was already home after walking Rowie and making a round in our block, going straight to bed and sleep with a heavy heart. He replied that he has just finished his work and will be on his way back home....

it got me to my last thought. Am I prepared for this set-up? Much more, am I prepared to have a relationship now?

 
 

Sabi ko nga madalas sa mga malapit sa akin, lahat naman tayo maganda eh, depende nga lang kung sino ang katabi mo o natabi sa 'yo.

Hindi naman kasalanang maging pangit,  Matammi pa namang ibang traits na pwedeng i-describe sa'yo kung pangit ka eh. Di ba nga di naman binibigay ni Lord lahat ng aganda sa isang tao. Meron jan, mabait, may work, may syota kahit pangit pero ang downside, eh irresponsable (tabbrrraaaakkkk... ay dapat pala bumusina ako) Meron din naman mayaman, gwapo, may kotse, mtangkad, single, nga lang, alang trabaho tas 30 anyos na. (ok lang malayo naman, di nya to maiintindihan..heheheh).

Sabi nga ni Andre E. ,"Humanap ka ng pangit at ibigin mong tunay" so sinunod ko sya this time around. Nga naman di ba, "iwanan ka man ng pangit, hindi ka iiyak".  Hindi nga ako umiiyak dahil sa pangit na yun, nga lang ang nakaka-awa lang ang mga pangit na yan.  Mabigyan ng oportunidad na makadawit ng magandang kapareha eh umangat na uri nya! O sya, matalino ka nga, professional ka, may Kangkaroo, mabango naman (dapat naman noh, pangit ka na nga, baho ka pa? 'Ba Yun?!?!) pero kung ganyan namang ugali mo aba eh, you deserve the term "pangit". Kung bakit naman kasi nabigyan ka lang ng grasya, you take it for granted  pa? Kaya ka pumapangit eh. Hindi naman sa nag fi-feeling maganda, sadya lang talagang malakas ang dating, alaga ka naman kahit ano pa hitsura mo, ano pa ba habol mo?

Sige tama ngang di ka iiyak sa pangit, di lang sinabi ni Andrew na kaya kang saktan ng pangit... had I known... pero sabagay tao rin sila kaya capable sila nun, whatever state they are in pa. Kaya nga sila asa pangit level, eh kasi pangit na hitsura nila, binack up-an pa sila ng pangit na ugali. Sad...so sad! :( Buti na lang hindi ako pangit!

 
 

I attended Lius' birthday surprise party. Really a surprise, because the boyfriend was supposed to fly that morning but made up that excuse to hide the real surprise... he threw the party for Lius. The pool party was at HIS house, he BAKED the birthday cake (which was really great, btw) and you can really see that he made sure everything was set. Boyfriend is really handsome, from a well-to-do family, smart, witty, kind, cool, OMG, it's like everything you can ever ask for... Lius is one lucky girl.... haaaaayyyy....

It got me thinking... when will it be me?



 
 

The basic idea seems simple: in some way, the agreement (or consent) of all individuals subject to collectively enforced social arrangements shows that those arrangements have some normative property (they are legitimate, just, obligating, etc.). Even this vague basic idea, though, is anything but simple, and even this abstract rendering is objectionable in many ways. To explicate the idea of the social contract we analyze contractual approaches into five variables: (1) the nature of the contractual act; (2) the parties to the act; (3) what the parties are agreeing to; (4) the reasoning that leads to the agreement; (5) what the agreement is supposed to show.

Having this in mind, i wonder, do we really have to label relationships even if social contracts are set?  labelling, although it helps us to organise and set things in their proper places, at times limits a lot of things....

 
 

Well after 3 days at work, I have a long weekend to kill...there's an election today and Good Friday tomorrow.... im planning on working on the yearbook as i wasnt able to touch it during the term break as planned :D.

Well today has been weird... i was called a "kampung girl" by an anonymous texter, not to mention the threats that the sms-er knows me... creepy... IGNORE.... the only way to fight back some attention-seeking-michael-obssessed girl.... hahahaha

oh well... i watched Burn Notice series 1 the whole day with my mum... i just loved our sloth mood :D.....

tomorrow's Good Friday..birthday of Lius... i will go... saturday is going to be my shooting day. i want to submit my entry to this week's assignment at DPS... Sunday's gonna be my "back-to-work" mood to be on... i need to finish lay outing my events pages for the yearbook...

 

Shield

04/06/2009

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Im back at work. Wi fi sucked almost the whole day in school until after 3pm. So here I am nang hahamig ng libreng wi-fi wahahahaha. I feel better, now that i got to see my kids again, got plenty of hugs from them, played with paint without limits (hehehehe) just pure enjoyment...check out  all in a day's work page for some pics...de -stressing for me, fun for my kids ;).

Work has always been my shield to whatever personal thing i have. Work is the only valid reason i have not to entertain the ill-feeling in my heart. Somehow being at work makes me feel needed, important and appreciated. In school, i can feel the love from my kids, giving me that extra kick to get out of bed & put myself together knowing that they need me too. My kids have always been my best shield from me breaking apart. Love you my