The house is very tidy. On the table was set a platter of Martabak, Chicken Sate with peanut sauce, and a bowl of hot Chicken Macaroni Soup. Everything was set for the dinner, the chance to introduce "doc" to my mom. My chance too to have "the talk" with him. The night when it will all start to be clearer when it comes to status. My ever supportive-gaga-lovable-root of this meeting-sister, rowan was, of course, ever present. Doc came in a few minutes later than the set time. It was fine as we entertained ourselves with a single round of Magic sing Karaoke session. Dinner was lovely, funny, entertaining, informative and all that. It went well, except for something. Since he was an on-call doctor, time was never definite. He had to go back to the hospital. Even when it was pouring hard outside, he still went, protected by my Nike jacket, which by the way he casually asked for and of course, willingly I gave in. He knew I needed to talk to him but call of duty comes first before everything. His exit left me thinking about a lot of things.

Was he really going back to the hospital? Was it really the hospital that was on the other line in his handphone before he left? Did he intentionally do this so we won't have "the talk"?  Whatever it was, it lead me to think further...

After I walked Rowie to Jl. Ring road, I strolled around my block. More thoughts in mind. With his busy schedule, which he can barely juggle, can he really afford to have a relationship? Will I just be existing when he's not in the hospital or whenever it's convenient for him? Isn't being neighbours convenient enough for him, aside from the fact that simple technologies such as SMS or handphones (which seems non-existent or useless for him) are readily available? Until when will I be able to be sabar? Sampai kapan aku harus bertahan dengan sitwasi dia? Haruskah aku yang selalu mengerti tentang jadwal dia? I just wanted to ask him if he really is ready to start something with me beyond friendship, as what he wanted. If he does, I will ask him to let me feel that I really am a part of his everyday, and not just an after-work thing. I need consistency aside from spontaneity. I need action aside from sweet-words.

On the way back home, I smsed him that I was already home after walking Rowie and making a round in our block, going straight to bed and sleep with a heavy heart. He replied that he has just finished his work and will be on his way back home....

it got me to my last thought. Am I prepared for this set-up? Much more, am I prepared to have a relationship now?

 
 

Sabi ko nga madalas sa mga malapit sa akin, lahat naman tayo maganda eh, depende nga lang kung sino ang katabi mo o natabi sa 'yo.

Hindi naman kasalanang maging pangit,  Matammi pa namang ibang traits na pwedeng i-describe sa'yo kung pangit ka eh. Di ba nga di naman binibigay ni Lord lahat ng aganda sa isang tao. Meron jan, mabait, may work, may syota kahit pangit pero ang downside, eh irresponsable (tabbrrraaaakkkk... ay dapat pala bumusina ako) Meron din naman mayaman, gwapo, may kotse, mtangkad, single, nga lang, alang trabaho tas 30 anyos na. (ok lang malayo naman, di nya to maiintindihan..heheheh).

Sabi nga ni Andre E. ,"Humanap ka ng pangit at ibigin mong tunay" so sinunod ko sya this time around. Nga naman di ba, "iwanan ka man ng pangit, hindi ka iiyak".  Hindi nga ako umiiyak dahil sa pangit na yun, nga lang ang nakaka-awa lang ang mga pangit na yan.  Mabigyan ng oportunidad na makadawit ng magandang kapareha eh umangat na uri nya! O sya, matalino ka nga, professional ka, may Kangkaroo, mabango naman (dapat naman noh, pangit ka na nga, baho ka pa? 'Ba Yun?!?!) pero kung ganyan namang ugali mo aba eh, you deserve the term "pangit". Kung bakit naman kasi nabigyan ka lang ng grasya, you take it for granted  pa? Kaya ka pumapangit eh. Hindi naman sa nag fi-feeling maganda, sadya lang talagang malakas ang dating, alaga ka naman kahit ano pa hitsura mo, ano pa ba habol mo?

Sige tama ngang di ka iiyak sa pangit, di lang sinabi ni Andrew na kaya kang saktan ng pangit... had I known... pero sabagay tao rin sila kaya capable sila nun, whatever state they are in pa. Kaya nga sila asa pangit level, eh kasi pangit na hitsura nila, binack up-an pa sila ng pangit na ugali. Sad...so sad! :( Buti na lang hindi ako pangit!

 
 

I attended Lius' birthday surprise party. Really a surprise, because the boyfriend was supposed to fly that morning but made up that excuse to hide the real surprise... he threw the party for Lius. The pool party was at HIS house, he BAKED the birthday cake (which was really great, btw) and you can really see that he made sure everything was set. Boyfriend is really handsome, from a well-to-do family, smart, witty, kind, cool, OMG, it's like everything you can ever ask for... Lius is one lucky girl.... haaaaayyyy....

It got me thinking... when will it be me?



 
 

The basic idea seems simple: in some way, the agreement (or consent) of all individuals subject to collectively enforced social arrangements shows that those arrangements have some normative property (they are legitimate, just, obligating, etc.). Even this vague basic idea, though, is anything but simple, and even this abstract rendering is objectionable in many ways. To explicate the idea of the social contract we analyze contractual approaches into five variables: (1) the nature of the contractual act; (2) the parties to the act; (3) what the parties are agreeing to; (4) the reasoning that leads to the agreement; (5) what the agreement is supposed to show.

Having this in mind, i wonder, do we really have to label relationships even if social contracts are set?  labelling, although it helps us to organise and set things in their proper places, at times limits a lot of things....

 
 

Well after 3 days at work, I have a long weekend to kill...there's an election today and Good Friday tomorrow.... im planning on working on the yearbook as i wasnt able to touch it during the term break as planned :D.

Well today has been weird... i was called a "kampung girl" by an anonymous texter, not to mention the threats that the sms-er knows me... creepy... IGNORE.... the only way to fight back some attention-seeking-michael-obssessed girl.... hahahaha

oh well... i watched Burn Notice series 1 the whole day with my mum... i just loved our sloth mood :D.....

tomorrow's Good Friday..birthday of Lius... i will go... saturday is going to be my shooting day. i want to submit my entry to this week's assignment at DPS... Sunday's gonna be my "back-to-work" mood to be on... i need to finish lay outing my events pages for the yearbook...

 

Shield

04/06/2009

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Im back at work. Wi fi sucked almost the whole day in school until after 3pm. So here I am nang hahamig ng libreng wi-fi wahahahaha. I feel better, now that i got to see my kids again, got plenty of hugs from them, played with paint without limits (hehehehe) just pure enjoyment...check out  all in a day's work page for some pics...de -stressing for me, fun for my kids ;).

Work has always been my shield to whatever personal thing i have. Work is the only valid reason i have not to entertain the ill-feeling in my heart. Somehow being at work makes me feel needed, important and appreciated. In school, i can feel the love from my kids, giving me that extra kick to get out of bed & put myself together knowing that they need me too. My kids have always been my best shield from me breaking apart. Love you my

 

Fool

04/05/2009

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See.  Trust your instincts. Stick to what you've been doing and be done with it. Sometimes change is bad. You lose some things when there is change, or maybe the change is the loss...

Knowing is everything, gives clarity to something vague; yet when you finally get to know the truth, it changes you. It would never be the same. Reality slaps you in such a way that sometimes you wished you lived in that make believe world you were once in. But as they say, truth will set you free. It does.

I hope, together with the rain, this heavy thing in my chest would be cleared... so much for the truth, so much for the knowledge, so much for the change.

 
 

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

 

7.5

04/04/2009

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The dreaded question has finally been answered. Thanks to my wits in dealing, I somehow managed to drop the big question. And the answer was a 7.5 out of 10. Well it was good enough for me as i was expecting more of a 3 when i will be asked to describe the feeling. Yet, 7.5 is not good enough to make a relationship work. But even if so, the no complication rule still stands (for the moment, i hope) as no "label" was set. I'm just happy to know that somehow, it wansn't just me... i wasn't just dreaming. there was something... it was 7.5 out of 10 real.....

 
 

I saw ms.shai's page in fb while i was browsing through my friends list. Checking out happenings on other people's accounts... then i saw her link. It led me to her weebly... i thought.... hmmmm my journals are sitting there and goes with me everywhere yet im too busy to write on it.. i do scribble on from time to time when im on the road but clearly, i hardly touch it when im at work. at home, i'd be too tired to write,but never too tired to be online. so what the heck, i'll make one.

I plan to start my blogs on my recent holiday break.... excuse me for some cheesiness or tagalog terms...or bahasa indo for that matter... it's all part of the whole deal... buzz me for some interpretations if you like....

feel free to comment whatever, whenever....